thoughts

i am me. there is no other. yet in the crashing and crumbling sands that are the days in this lifetime, the world spins around me, with people bashing and branding me. is no one with me? is no one there to catch me when i fall, to say that at the end of the world, you do not stand alone? when the earth burns and the universe crumbles, is there no one to stand alongside? abandonment and loneliness are terrifying things. they are one of the true terrors of the world. only three people in this world have sworn to stand beside me besides Jesus, and even when he should be the only one that matters, it's hard to look around and be alone. the cries of the outsiders sound like harsh roaring of tigers, while the talk of the insiders sound like the gentle purr of a mother lioness with her cubs. unfortunately, i am separated from the insiders by the outsiders. to be separated is to be terrified, and to be terrified is to be weak, or at least so in this world. the weight of one's world on one's shoulders is a heavy burden, and while they may take the pain out on those around them, its because they are in such deep pain that no one but one man can know or understand. pain is personal, and pain is brutal. levels are created, and thoughts are processed in ways only the thinker can handle. the levels and intricacies of the mind are a deep, dark place often full of mischief and wonder. to be alone at the end of the world, that is the only true fear that i have. to answer the questions of certain people, i am in a state of fear and confusion, and i am abandoned by all. no one to stand beside me, no one to pick me up off the ground, and the only person knowingly willing to do it, i have separated myself off from, and as hard as i try, there is no way to get back. the one person that i want to do it abuses me and uses me. and the ones that i want to turn from me and let me breath continue to shove their thoughts down my throat and choke me to death. the love of those that love me is fighting the love of those that love me. two different nations with the same idea for one person, both decapitating and decimating said person with love, leaving that person stretched thin and useless, to flow in the wind like a broken leaf off of a forgotten tree in a huge forest of nothingness. the heart is a cruel and malevolent thing, especially when it doesn't get what it wants. the body and the mind will turn on themselves, especially when it is fighting for something better. we are naturally villainous and evil beings, and when we are weak and lowly people, we cannot depend on ourselves. but what do you do with someone who is a natural lone walker, one who travels the road of despair, who was raised in the house of tragedy, who was bottle fed off of abandonment his whole life, who only knows corruption and demoralization? should he not give in and turn to his state of being and abomination, or should he fight, despite the pain and sorrow he will go through his whole life...the way of the coward is an easy one, but not one that i would like to take. it is a fight against one's self, the path of the coward hearted. it is filled with should have's and regrets. there is no hope on this path, and therefore no reason for existence. cowardice becomes intertwined with abandonment and solitude, at least for me. with the previous came the latter. so i cling to every form of love that i can grasp that i can call my own, and if opposition comes my way, then run to fight another day. except there is no fighting. just running. no one that i have known has said this, so i will be the first. the coward will can never push himself, but can only be pushed slightly forward, for the coward is weak, as is his heart, and he must rely on the strength of others, for he has none of his own. the passion of the coward falls on hollow ground, for he is not worthy to have rewards poured upon him. i am not worthy to have anything, and yet i have everything. not all things that i think are important are within my grasp, and yet i have everything from my life's lessons. the rules of survival are clear, and i have broken some. some are ludicrous, and some are essential. some are made to be broken, but of all, you never break the golden rule. whatever you have, remember where you came from and what you have earned. the life of a lonely coward is brutal. hopefully i will have the three things that i desire. god will give me grace enough to see worth, i will be able to proudly declare my manhood, and i will have someone to stand at the crumbling of the universe with, someone to hold and to hold me, to say that it is all right, and that love is all that is needed. harsh words and tones are needed, but not this time. time and patience and love are needed, but even more is the mending of the broken heart of a broken man who is ashamed of himself and afraid to go to the one who would openly take him in. for i am not ashamed of the gospel, but of myself. even in my attempt to be humble and take the blame off of others, it always comes back to cowardice, and from there sprouts all things....disturbing. it comes to this. i am a lonely impatient man, afraid of being lonely, ashamed of himself and of what he represents. in my young age, youth is wasted, and so is life. and so, to the end of the world, alone and afraid, but standing with my face turned to the fire. this is my soul. may God have mercy on it, and me.